Smut Saved Me.
No, not like soot or dirt. Not like sewage, sludge, or muck. Neither soil nor grime. Filth however, yes. The filth I’m referring to is book smut.
In late 2021 I was struggling mentally, physically, and financially. For six months would wake up shortly after falling asleep, feeling extremely distressed and violently ill. These terrors began to increase in frequency and intensity. I would lie in bed semi-conscious and fully confined in my mind with intrusive thoughts. It was as though they were placed on a carousel, each thought having its own colorful horse attached to a more luminous golden rod and then the carousel would spin at warp speed leaving me captive to all the thoughts and unable to get off the ride. After an hour of shakes I would vomit and sob. I thought I was dying.
After several doctors’ visits it was determined to be anxiety that escalated to consistent nighttime panic attacks coupled with depression— both robbing me of sleep, sanity, and the will to live. After an effort of support coordinated by my partner and friends, I followed the old steps that had worked before for my depression: Therapy, continuation of exercise, eating right, consideration of medication, meditating, finding meaning in life, blah blah blah… but this time I included something new. I started a nighttime habit of reading smut.
I had never heard of smut until after my first smutty fantasy recommendation. Urban Dictionary defines it as:
smut (noun) s: sexual, m: maturity, u: under, t: text
Smutty books exist in several genres of fiction. Sci-fi, fantasy, romance, contemporary etc.…Now the exact definition of how they differ from erotica or romance is a bit more difficult to parse but the point is that they are no longer the dirty secrets they used to be. With the advent of BookTok “smutty” books have skyrocketed.
There is a spectrum of smut out there and while I won’t go over the specifics my aim is to give you an idea of how to go about solving that pesky reoccurring D-word problem: Depression. Not the D word you were thinking of, get your head out of the gutter, this is a health and wellness essay —at least that’s what I’m telling anyone who asks what I’m writing.
Below, is my very honest and brutally true step by step guide on how smut saved me and can save you too! (but for real, though).
*Image created by SVC
The Sad Girl’s Guide on How to Prevent Your Depression and Panic Attacks:
Step 1: Get Comfy. You may be feeling slightly embarrassed when reading these explicit scenes but ignore that! Sexual liberation is a necessary part of this journey. In your entire life you haven’t witnessed women’s desires displayed in a way that reflected things a real woman would desire. Gasp! Yes, you will realize female authors understand the interest of other women. But it is more than aesthetics or the physical appeal of another person, it is the authors’ ability to craft healthy relationships. –Warning: Not all smut is created equal. There will be accidental readings of things that will make you afraid for humanity, —I’m looking at you dark academia—The quicker you accept this genre of reading the sooner you will accept your own wants. Not just desires of the body but desires of life. In her essay Uses of the Erotic: Erotic as Power, the great Audre Lorde said “The erotic is the nurturer or nursemaid of all our deepest knowledge.” Your relationship with smut isn’t just horny fulfillment, it is a vital harbinger of personal enlightenment! Yes, you want to follow your dreams. Yes, you hate when your boomer boss calls you sweetheart. Follow these feelings, lean into your rage and love.
Step 2: Female Badassery. Whether it is a rom-com, romantasy, or fantasy book you’re gonna want to find a badass lead. Gone are the days of the damsel, these female written pieces focus on gals that won’t take their co-worker Bob telling them “It’s just a joke. Don’t be so sensitive”—try being funnier, Bob. Whether they work in STEM or ride a dragon these female leads embody the type of gumption I desperately needed when I was too terrified to even get in the car for a trip to the beach. Panic attacks and anxiety are a bitch, but they aren’t more of a bitch than a dragon —I would declare this, loudly. You can too! Head to your local bookstore and say with your full chest “Hi, I’m looking for a bad bitch.” They will know what you mean.
Step 3: If you are still feeling a little shy about the smut portion of these books have no fear! You will find plenty of other non-smutty romance driven books that you can talk about with other readers without having to mention men with large wings spans. There will be a long list of options for you to read that won’t make you feel like a weirdo on public transportation. Lorde discusses in her previously mentioned essay that we have learned to be afraid or ashamed of our deepest desires but to nurture that fear is to oppress ourselves and to accept oppression. The point of reading these books isn’t for you to become a pervert the point is to push those societal boundaries that so often make you feel like a caged exotic bird. Allow these books to unruffle your feathers and open those doors.
Step 4: At this point you are starting to feel okay again. Maybe you have had a few more nights of sleep in between each attack. You will walk into your favorite bookstore, and you will glance at the memoir table, and you will see “What My Bones Know” by Stephanie Foo and you’ll be tempted to pick it up. DON’T TOUCH IT! That’s right, back away from the best sellers and walk right past the Sylvia Plath display. Sylvie, we love you, but read the room; today is not the day for your sad shit. It’s not that these books are bad. In fact, those books will help you grow from an intellectual and spiritual standpoint, but growth is a post-depression goal. Mid-depression is all about survival, and what you need to survive is smut. If books were food, smut would be ice cream, not good for the body but so good for the soul, Sylvia and Stephanie will be there when you are ready. In the meantime, indulge in the mindless, and the often-bad writing that kindle unlimited offers.
Step 5: It’s happening! Life is improving in some measurable ways, but you and smut aren’t over. You have embraced your newfound hobby, and your wellbeing is only slightly reliant on fictional characters. Now is the time when you can start dipping your toes into the water of the post-depression world. Start visiting the library. Ya’ know, the place that has mastered the delicious musty smell that is always teetering on the edge of off-putting but never quiet gets there. You are a fiscally responsible adult so renting books will need to be a way to continue this prescribed health plan. On top of managing that growing pile of TBR’s it’s time to hang out with friends again, go out for drinks, let your hair down. It is going to be scary. The noises, sounds, and smells are going to be overwhelming but don’t worry because you have an ace up your sleeve! You have that smutty book from the library waiting for you at home if things get dicey. In fact, you will always have a book there. It’s part of your routine, your lifestyle, your DNA. So go out there and gett’em tiger (or like whatever saying works for you).
Step 6: Today I am depersonalized. I have so many days like this one. Where I receive bad news, or I am let down, or I feel inadequate. The feelings don’t negate that I have long list of to-dos that are feeling like to-don’ts. I’m physically over stimulated and emotionally undernourished but when I lie here in my living room with a smutty book the relief of reading these books is almost instantaneous. The buzzing in my ears fizzles out. The throbbing in my head dissipates and the shaking in my body recedes.
The smut doesn’t solve my problem, it just enables me to experience them without being consumed by them. My old therapist once explained that my emotions and anxiety were like waves in the ocean and that I spent all my time and energy trying to fight the waves instead of learning how to ride them. These books became my surfboard. They keep me from sinking below the surface but more importantly they gave me a way to harmonize with waves. To engage without fighting and to experience without drowning.
